More often than we would like, we find ourselves negotiating with people who are rude, belligerent or dishonest. These people may lie, threaten us or refuse to listen to our ideas. We might ask for a salary raise, and they belittle our value or our contribution to the company. Such negative tactics can easily provoke a reciprocal response from us; that is, confronted with such nasty behavior, we push back just as hard. This confrontational situation produces deadlocks and often damages our working relationship with the other side. Thus, we hinder our ability to achieve our goals for the negotiation. A key part of being an effective negotiator is responding to such aggressive behavior effectively and constructively. The following tips should help you effectively deal with the difficult negotiatior.

1. Reflect, don’t react.

Many people respond to difficult negotiators by getting flustered, withdrawing from the conversation, mirroring the other side's activities -- or even conceding the point. By reacting to difficult negotiators, you allow them to dictate the course of the negotiation and give them more power over you.

Reflect; don’t react. Don’t say anything right away, no matter how angry or frustrated you might feel. Relax, let off steam and stay in control of yourself -- maybe by counting to ten or calling a caucus or a timeout. Allow them to continue their obnoxious behavior, if they wish: When they attack your ideas, don’t defend them; if they attack you, don’t counter. Focus your energy on developing an effective strategy.

2. Ask yourself, Why might they be acting this way?

Strange as it may seem, most difficult negotiators are not really difficult people. They may be normal folks who, when presented with tough problems or situations, act in ways that aren’t very constructive. Or, they might be people who have learned ineffective ways to negotiate. Before writing them off, put yourself in their shoes and see if you can find reasons for their behavior. Are they under severe time pressures? Are they overburdened with responsibilities and demands? Do they lack experience in negotiating the items you are discussing? None of these reasons excuses their rudeness, but it may help you understand their motivations and see them as people with whom you can work.

3. Ask yourself, Am I contributing to the problem?

Occasionally, difficult negotiators are only reacting to our provocative actions. If we interrupt them, belittle their views, or refuse to discuss alternatives to our proposals, then it should not surprise us when they act the same way. Becoming aware of our contribution to the problem, and taking ownership of it by apologizing and changing our behavior, can be a powerful tool in changing the activities of the other side.

4. Decide if you want to change the game.

It is not always worth the trouble to directly confront difficult negotiators. It may be that their tactics are not preventing you from attaining your goals. Perhaps they are vindictive, powerful managers, and you cannot afford to cross them. Or you might believe that you play their game better than they do; that is, you think you can achieve your goals in spite of being difficult yourself. Of course, you can choose not to do anything to change their behavior -- just make sure this is a conscious choice and not an emotional reaction.

5. To change the game, negotiate the process.

A particularly effective strategy for changing difficult negotiators' behavior is to directly address the problematic approach, share its negative impact on you, and suggest a better process for negotiating your issues. Display the behavior you want them to exhibit. When they attack your views, hear them out, acknowledge their point and their right to disagree with you, and then reframe whatever they say as positively as you can. Avoid rejecting their positions. Instead, ask problem-solving questions (e.g., "How might we do that?"). When you make your points, share your reasoning and data -- not just your conclusions. Explain to them how it is mutually beneficial to negotiate amicably with you -- the negotiations will be more efficient and you will be able to develop more creative ideas if you listen to one another. As a result, they will be more likely to achieve their goals in the negotiation.

6. Never forget that you can always walk away.

Some difficult negotiators may resist all your attempts to modify their behavior. Do not feel trapped in the negotiation as a result. Instead, exercise your choice to walk away and pursue alternative actions that address your needs and objectives. Your aim is to bring difficult negotiators to their senses, not to their knees. Rather than threatening to march out the door right away, warn them that you may have to end the negotiations and find more productive ways to accomplish your goals.

Summary

Difficult negotiators can’t always be avoided. When you have to deal with them, don’t allow their behavior to deflect you from achieving your goals. Don’t be difficult just because they are.