Effectively negotiating substantive issues, like compensation, benefits or promotions, often requires creativity and open communication. Neither is likely to occur if the other negotiator barely speaks to you. If you need to negotiate with someone, whether that person is your manager, your teammate or your direct report, how can you do it when you know that you do not trust them or do not feel respected by them, or they feel you do not listen to them. What can you do?

First, define your goals appropriately.

When you focus on improving the working relationship, you are not trying to become friends with the other person, or to be liked by them. You are trying to make sure that in spite of any personal feelings, the two of you are able to constructively deal with your disagreements and differences. Your aim is to create a relationship in which you can talk honestly with each other and work together to find good solutions to hard issues.

Second, put aside substance to focus on the relationship.

The only way to resolve a relationship or communication issue is to directly discuss it. Many people hope to cure problems in their working relationships by coming up with the right substantive solution, thinking that if they get the right answer, they will get along better with the other person. In fact, it is quite difficult to discuss substantive issues when you and the other person do not trust, respect, listen to or understand each other. You are far more likely to reach a frustrating stalemate than a mutually acceptable resolution.

A better approach is to realize that when you have significant relationship problems, instead of talking about substantive matters, focus on improving the way you and the other negotiator communicate with or treat each other. Then return to the substantive issue. For example, one of my clients made a commitment to himself to not talk about his desire for a promotion for three weeks. During that period, he met four times with his manager, and in each meeting limited the conversation to the issues that were damaging their working relationship. After that period, he felt ready to raise other important issues.

Third, resolve the communication and relationship issues as efficiently and effectively as you can.

Once you open the door, it is usually fairly easy to get most people to talk about the problems they see in the working relationship. Usually, they are as unhappy with the current situation as you are, and are looking for some fair process to resolve the issue. Often, the simple act of talking about the problem, sharing perceptions of what is going on, and why matters have degenerated to this point, opens up new lines of communication. In my experience, this type of conversation builds mutual understanding, which then provides you with room to find ways to improve the situation (perhaps by promising to communicate better going forward or by exchanging apologies or by providing an explanation for misinterpreted actions). These conversations are never easy but they can be quite effective. One of my clients had great success by saying, "You always say I don't get it. Well, this time I am listening. Tell me what it is that you think I don't get." The other person was happy to provide a laundry list of complaints. Then my client said, "Fine. I want to work with you to address those matters. I also want you to know that there are some important issues that I feel you don't get. I'd like to share those with you now, and then we can discuss both sets of issues."